And what exactly do you hope to accomplish with this argument? Because so far all you have done is anger me, make my boyfriend insecure about my feelings for him, and make the few friends I decided to tell think you're a complete dumb ass.
Let's just pretend for a moment that I indulge you. Let's just say that I stand here and tell you, "I'm in love with you Pedrum, I always have been and I always will be," and for a moment let's pretend that it would be true if I did. What do you suppose would happen? It honestly baffles me, your motivations and hopes for this.
Because I know for a fact you wouldn't be with me. You wouldn't take me back if I knelt down in front of you and groveled for your love. Not that even if I did still have feelings for you that I would want to be with you. I feel like I owe you and I feel SO incredibly guilty for what I did to you, that's why it took me so damn long to get over you. But I did it, I didn't forgive myself for what I did, but I accepted that it happened, that I can't change the past, that all I can do is make sure that I don't hurt the next boy, and that I no matter my actions in the past, I deserve to be happy and move on with my life. And now that I have done that, I can see the person you've turned into. Granted I may be part, probably even the entirety, of the reason that you changed, but I can't handle it. This person you are now is not the same person who called me every night just to say he loved me; it's not the same person who was there for me every time I cried; it's not the same person who knew everything about me; it's not the same person who was my best friend; it's not the same person I loved. And so even if I did have feelings for you, it would be feelings for the person I dated, not the person you are now, and I would never be able to be with you and deal with the monster I created.
And it's not only that.If I were to "confess my love" all that would really happen is the only thing that has made me honestly happy after our breakup being taken away from me, Cody. Do you remember that night at the Southdale mall food court at like 9:00pm, when no one was around except us and the janitor, when my sobs brought you to tears, and I told you that maybe we should break up? Because I remember, I remember vividly the immense pain but utter certainty that it was what I needed to do. I did that for you, for your happiness. It killed me to see you so upset every day, to know that being with me wasn't making you fully happy anymore, and so, for your own god damn happiness, I let you go. And right now, it just makes me sad that I would do that for you, that I would give up my happiness with you so you could move on from the pain I caused you. Because right now all it seems that you're trying to do is take my happiness away when I've finally found it again.
I'm done with you. I'm done with attempting to gain an impossible friendship back. You're different now and the different you disgusts me.
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