"She's a dumb bitch; a crazy ass bitch whom I hate. I can't stand her. She took advantage of me on so many levels. I hate her. To be completely honest the only reason I ever responded to her texts is because I feel bad that she doesn't have many friends. I really think that she needs a damn shrink and if I ever wanted to be with someone like that again then I would need a shrink too."
That's what he said. He said that about his ex girlfriend of however the fuck long they dated. And I could tell that he meant it with his entire being. Part of me feels bad for the girl, because it kind of reminds me of you and I. Cody was always so sweet and good to her while she treated him like shit and went behind his back. That's pretty much how it happened with us, isn't it?
And it really kills me, sometimes, to hear him say that stuff about her. Sometimes I even have to fight tears from welling into my eyes, because even though I no longer have feelings for you, and even though we barely talk now, the thought of you hating me is unbearable.
This is the part where someone may chime in, "Well of course you still have feelings for him if the thought of him hating you is so terrible." But honestly, the though of anyone hating is depressing. And just because I don't have the desire to date you or kiss you or be cuddly and lovey dovey with you doesn't mean that I don't love you. I do; I love you more than most people could imagine. You might not believe me because of the way I treated you, but it's true. I love you, and I always will.
I love you for changing me. I love you for fixing my morals. I love you for showing me that not only assholes exists in this world. I love you for treating my like a princess. I love you for being so kind to everyone. I love you for being motivated to succeed. I love you for sticking with me through the fights. I love you for attempting to give me another chance. I love you for helping me find who I am. I love you for having loved me.
And because of all these things, I still love you, and I will love you. You were more than just another high school boyfriend to me; you were a complete and utter life changing experience. Without our relationship, I'd still be going out as the party obsessed whore that I hated myself for. Don't get me wrong, I still make my mistakes, but not like the mistake I make with you and not like the mistake I made before you.
That is why is kills me to think that you could hate me. Even though I know that you have every right to and probably should hate me, it kills me anyway. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be that ex that you have to explain to your next girlfriend how much you despise for what she did to you. I can't handle the thought of someone I care so much about hating me with that much power.
Thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me, for every change you made in my personality, for every adjustment you made to my morals, for every time you showed me that there are guys out there who are worth giving my all to. And if I haven't said it enough, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for treating you like shit, sorry for lying to you, sorry for going behind your back, sorry for letting you stay with me when what I should've done was make you go. You didn't deserve that, any of it, it's one of my biggest regrets and I'd take it back in an instant if I could because I still get angry with myself for having the ability to hurt someone that was nothing but good to me. But I can't take it back.
Even though I know you won't read this, I'm writing it because, thanks to AP Comp, I've created for myself an obsession for writing down things that are bothering me in letter format. So here it is. And if someday you actually find yourself reading this, I hope you take it for what it's worth and find it in yourself to forgive me. I sincerely hope you're happy now, because that's the only reason I let you go.
Love always, Pardis.
That's what he said. He said that about his ex girlfriend of however the fuck long they dated. And I could tell that he meant it with his entire being. Part of me feels bad for the girl, because it kind of reminds me of you and I. Cody was always so sweet and good to her while she treated him like shit and went behind his back. That's pretty much how it happened with us, isn't it?
And it really kills me, sometimes, to hear him say that stuff about her. Sometimes I even have to fight tears from welling into my eyes, because even though I no longer have feelings for you, and even though we barely talk now, the thought of you hating me is unbearable.
This is the part where someone may chime in, "Well of course you still have feelings for him if the thought of him hating you is so terrible." But honestly, the though of anyone hating is depressing. And just because I don't have the desire to date you or kiss you or be cuddly and lovey dovey with you doesn't mean that I don't love you. I do; I love you more than most people could imagine. You might not believe me because of the way I treated you, but it's true. I love you, and I always will.
I love you for changing me. I love you for fixing my morals. I love you for showing me that not only assholes exists in this world. I love you for treating my like a princess. I love you for being so kind to everyone. I love you for being motivated to succeed. I love you for sticking with me through the fights. I love you for attempting to give me another chance. I love you for helping me find who I am. I love you for having loved me.
And because of all these things, I still love you, and I will love you. You were more than just another high school boyfriend to me; you were a complete and utter life changing experience. Without our relationship, I'd still be going out as the party obsessed whore that I hated myself for. Don't get me wrong, I still make my mistakes, but not like the mistake I make with you and not like the mistake I made before you.
That is why is kills me to think that you could hate me. Even though I know that you have every right to and probably should hate me, it kills me anyway. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be that ex that you have to explain to your next girlfriend how much you despise for what she did to you. I can't handle the thought of someone I care so much about hating me with that much power.
Thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me, for every change you made in my personality, for every adjustment you made to my morals, for every time you showed me that there are guys out there who are worth giving my all to. And if I haven't said it enough, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for treating you like shit, sorry for lying to you, sorry for going behind your back, sorry for letting you stay with me when what I should've done was make you go. You didn't deserve that, any of it, it's one of my biggest regrets and I'd take it back in an instant if I could because I still get angry with myself for having the ability to hurt someone that was nothing but good to me. But I can't take it back.
Even though I know you won't read this, I'm writing it because, thanks to AP Comp, I've created for myself an obsession for writing down things that are bothering me in letter format. So here it is. And if someday you actually find yourself reading this, I hope you take it for what it's worth and find it in yourself to forgive me. I sincerely hope you're happy now, because that's the only reason I let you go.
Love always, Pardis.
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